How to Spot a Dangerous Lover

Did you know that one out of every three women will be battered by the very person who tells her, "I love you?" How do you know if you, your friend or loved one will be one of these women? Identifying dangerous relationships is the key to getting out before they spiral out of control and is essential to avoiding other dangerous relationships. But, how do you know you are in a dangerous relationship?

Many victims know their relationships are dangerous long before they admit it to themselves and/or to others. On a primal level, they are aware of being violated, and it hurts. They feel controlled, manipulated and oppressed. Much of the time they feel as if they are walking on eggshells and know that they cannot fully please their abusers.

If you are being emotionally or physically hurt in a relationship, take a hard and honest look at the classic signs-you may be with an intimate partner abuser. These signs include: excessive jealousy, possessiveness, controlling behavior, unrealistic expectations, hypersensitivity and the behavioral and mood shifts of a "Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde" personality.

An abuser blames you for his/her problems, feelings, actions and even altercations with you. The abusive partner seeks to isolate you from other sources of support: emotional, physical and financial.

Do you see your partner working diligently to cultivate an atmosphere of dominance and dependency? Have you noticed a cyclic pattern in the relationship resembling a roller-coaster ride of romance and violation?

This pattern is commonly known as the "cycle of violence." Sometimes it is clearly evident and sometimes so subtle it is overlooked. It has three phases: a tension-building phase, an acute battering incident and a kind, contrite loving phase which often presents as a mystifying, covert manipulative-seduction.

The tension-building phase consists of ongoing and progressively escalating incidents of abuse. Perpetrators use battering-verbal, as well as physical-to rebuild and strengthen their own fragile sense of self. Abuse victims appease their battering partners through compliance or avoidance, all the while feeling as if they are walking on eggshells. This is the longest phase, and it can be maintained for weeks, months or years.

The acute battering incident is characterized by an uncontrollable release of tension and rage, culminating in a brutal altercation. It is distinguished from the prior phase by the degree of disassociation, destruction and injury which climax the cycle.

The kind, contrite loving phase is the calm after the explosion. This phase is difficult for many victims to identify, and some claim it does not exist. They expect it to be characterized by gifts, atonement and promises for reform, yet they may only experience subtle mental and emotional manipulations.

The essential purpose of this phase is to manipulate the victim so the abuser can regain control. This phase has a seductive quality, which is why I call it the "manipulative-seduction phase." Victims cling to this phase hoping it will overshadow the other phases of the abuse cycle; but instead, this phase reinstates the battering dynamic and the cycle ensues.

Many abuse victims fail to recognize they are in a dangerous relationship (including the children). In the world, the abuser often appears very competent, exhibiting attributes admired in our culture: being in control, strong, charming and adept at interfacing socially. All these behaviors are necessary to manipulate matters to his/her liking. This fools everyone, even the victims.

Victims unknowingly camouflage living in a dangerous relationship. Many appear overly capable, as they must be in order to prevail over the adverse conditions under which they live. Denial keeps partners in the abuse dynamic as they minimize the severity and seriousness of the danger in their homes. Domestic violence occurs behind closed doors, and silence maintains the syndrome.

Traditionally, domestic abuse is considered a women's issue-every 15 seconds a woman is assaulted by a current or past intimate partner; however, the problem does cross genders. If you recognize yourself in this profile, male or female, know you are not alone. Seek to break the cycle of abuse before it spirals out of control.

You can get the first step to freedom from abuse, privately and quickly now. See the subtle signs and signals of abusive relationships with the King Intimate Partner Violence Inventory, and unlock the grip of the abuse dynamic before you get hurt.

© Copyright 2006, Dr. Jeanne King Consultants LLC, All Rights Reserved.

About The Author-- Dr. Jeanne King, psychologist, author and speaker, helps individuals and healthcare providers recognize and stop domestic abuse. Find out how to identify and stop spousal abuse at Spousal Abuse Check Tool

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